When starting my blog, I wanted a platform to talk about my thoughts and experiences with depression along with other aspects of mental health. But the more I have written, the more I feel like people assume, or expect, that because I write these things, I have my shit together. I can say for a fact that for a lot of the time, I definitely do not have my shit together. For the most part, I try really hard to keep it together, but I slip up. I drink too much, I forget all my self-care, I get caught up in toxic thoughts and toxic cycles that I know make me feel worse. The point is that recovery isn’t, and never will be, linear.
But why do we fall back into these patterns? If we’re on top of our mental health for a while, doing everything we can to nourish and look after ourselves, why does the idea of sadness seem so fucking comfortable? Of course, everyone ‘wants’ to be happy, but when being happy takes every ounce of motivation and effort out of you, it is by far easier to just, be sad. Sometimes it’s not even sadness that’s appealing, it’s just numbness. Even when you’re on your journey of recovery, one look back down the rabbit hole to remember how easy it was to not feel, and not try can lead to falling straight back in. Dark memories, bad habits and toxic cycles welcome you back with open arms, like an old friend.
I find that the urge to just let go and fall back down that rabbit hole has never really left. I don’t know if it ever will, or if it might get easier throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes I keep up the fight for control over my happiness, but others I’m just not strong enough to resist that easier route. I wonder if other people have found that after trying for so long it just becomes natural, and it doesn’t take all the energy in the world. I hope so. Until then I will just keep trying to make the motivation last, but know that it’s okay to slip up sometimes, too.