“It’s not even particularly that I think people hate me. I just cannot be alone. It drives me insane. Had such a nice evening but walk into the house alone and just break down and I don’t understand. I need my meds back. This is absolute torture. Agony.”
I started writing that a couple of hours or so ago as I got in the house and felt completely broken and overwhelmed by life again. I know that I really am struggling again at the minute and it needs addressing – but… I threw my phone away in frustration that venting onto here wouldn’t solve anything and cried in the complete frustration of knowing I need to avoid putting all of my feelings onto my close ones every single day. Not because I shouldn’t use my support system, but because I know that once I start it is so hard to pull back out of that pit and it is so intense it is impossible to describe. Plus my support system are not purely there to help save me. It can’t always be like that.
I sat and cried so hard in desperation, and went for a cigarette to regulate my breathing a bit, then forced myself to spend 2 minutes cooking a ready meal and forced it down as I knew I really needed to eat and would forget or not care if I let myself get back in bed. Then managed to distract myself for an hour or so with mundane Netflix, which is still difficult, but the closest thing to doable. Then went to the loo and on my way out of the bathroom forced myself to jump in the shower for literally one minute and clean myself down, to make my life that bit easier in the morning before I have to go to work.
I’m now in bed, fed and clean, and even though I can feel that tears are still pretty much right there under the surface and there is still an dull aching pain, I have pulled myself out of what could have been another horrible night and made it bearable. I’ve forced myself out of the deep end. I’m messaging my loved ones in a healthy way and feeling close and loved with them, instead of battling for those feelings and causing my own dark cycles. Watching Buffy and actually feeling sleepy for once and an actual smile just popped across my face.
The point is, I can do this on my own. It takes every ounce of effort in me, but I can. And I’m going to use this as a focal point for this week’s affirmations. No I’m not living my best life and feeling over the moon tonight, but I’m surviving and I’ve done it without needing someone else to help me, which is great and I am really proud of myself.