BPD Recovery Stories: The Overwhelming Reality of BPD & My Recovery

I may have learnt (and written about!) many techniques and strategies to manage my personality disorder, but that doesn’t mean that I’m magically healed. In reality, it affects me constantly. Because of my frequently shifting and intense moods, and a tendency to mask or mirror the mood of who I’m with, it can be really easy to come across as ‘well’ a lot of the time. 

This is probably why it’s hard for people to understand the severity of the lower moods when they come. But you always seem so happy. It’s normal to get upset sometimes.

Although I’d never wish BPD and the living hell it can bring on anyone, I do sometimes think it would just be easier if I could let someone spend 5 minutes in my head and body. It is a constant ache, a constant fear, constant monitoring of my surroundings and a constant longing for more. I don’t even know what more is, but there’s an emptiness that sits under my skin that I can’t shift. A physical sensation — a constant urge for something to provide relief from the void. 

But, a few years down the line, I am completely in recovery. Head to the second half of this post for more on the reality of BPD recovery and my healing journey. Hint: we do recover. Here’s my story.

Content warning: this post discusses self-harm and binge drinking. For more on BPD Recovery or journal prompts for BPD, please take a look at my other posts.

Numbing, Dissociation & Urges

For me, I seem to cycle between a few different things when things are feeling overwhelming. If I’m backed into a corner where I’ve either created a disastrous situation or I’m in an emotional confrontation or I can’t get the help I need, the urges I have will be like a fire in my entire body. I literally ache. And over the years, the urges I have developed are to either hurt myself physically or numb the pain with alcohol or drugs. 

Booze was the easiest thing to turn to and I have to admit it is ridiculously hard to cope with my breakdowns without alcohol. But I will get there. I have infinitely more control over my impulses and urges when I am not drunk. But one thing I have found is that without the option of picking up a bottle when things are feeling too much, I still ache for that relief from how I feel, and hurting myself still feels like something I can use to control that. 

That is not me condoning self-harm in the slightest. Please reach out for support in one way or another if you are struggling with harming yourself. That is just the reality of how I feel in these moments. Like the only way I can actually let some of this excess of pain out is to implement it physically. It momentarily validates, yet somehow never seems to be enough to match, all the inner agony. 

Another coping mechanism my brain has learnt to use in the moments I am feeling my lowest, which I am hoping to work on when I start my full DBT course this year, is dissociation. For example, after I have hurt myself and I feel a state of shock or realise the extent of what I have done, or even if I am really trying hard to fight the urge to hurt myself but my feelings are too intense, or I’m in a situation where I physically can’t drink or hurt myself. I’ve also had periods of dissociation and depersonalisation that have been triggered by really intense panic attacks and have lasted up to 2 weeks.

It feels like my panic and overwhelm builds and builds and builds until it hits a point that the system just overloads and I shut down. Complete numbness and nothingness. A total empty shell, like I’m buzzing just outside of my body and I am unable to think or feel or do anything except stare or do something mundane like binge-watching Netflix. Nothing exists anymore, I can’t feel it.

I can even cycle with this if a situation is ongoing, which is just the absolute worst. I mean it when I say it feels like a living hell. I now have a wealth of self-soothing practices that I can use to help me regulate urges and dissociation a little better, but it is definitely a hard cycle to break.

Daily Life & Spinning Plates

I’m not gonna lie, Living With BPD is fucking hard. Everything feels like I’m constantly spinning plates. Like I just have less ability to function than a human needs. I’m sure that to some extent so many people resonate with this, so I’m truly sorry if modern life is purely overwhelming for you too. 

With BPD, the normal fluctuations of emotions and interactions that occur in day-to-day life are processed and amplified in ways that someone without the disorder may not understand. 

Staying on top of everything just takes every ounce of energy I have and more, so I live life like an exhausted toddler that’s been kept awake too long — ready for bed, on the verge of tears and ready to scream and shout about it. When one thing goes wrong, if it sets me off too much everything else will come crashing down with it and I’ll have to start from scratch again.

All of these things, I understand, can and will improve as I get my treatment and continue to work on integrating therapy skills into my daily life, navigating my shifts in my mood and learning how to cope a little better. 

I also just can’t wait to get on top of my panic and anxiety, as if I’m honest I am not leaving the house very often at all at the moment and do not have the want or urge to because of how intense my anxiety has been. I’m really trying to work new practices into my coping toolbox, so I’m really hopeful for the next year or so when my therapy gets on track. I just wanted to share this little insight into exactly what the reality of BPD feels like for me sometimes. 

Note: This is just my experience of Borderline Personality Disorder and will not sum up everyone’s experience. Please feel free to share your experiences or thoughts below. Sending peace and love to all as always.

Navigating BPD recovery [My BPD Recovery Story]

New For September 2023

If you were to ask me what BPD recovery looks like, I could only speak to my personal experience of recovery.

I have to admit, reading back through this post from almost 2 years ago on my recovery journey, it strikes me how far I have come in that time. It stings a little and I still notice a hint of shame, but I’m so glad it exists.

Since I first wrote this blog, I have:

• Completed a year’s course of intensive DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) – 3 hours a week
• Ended the destructive relationship I was in and cut the last cord to my old drinking life
• Spent 6 months alone and completely focused on my recovery (my traumatized body needed rest!)
• Met my now-fiance and began the most beautiful romance of my life.

Oh – and I’m going to be a step-mama. 💗 So you could say a little has changed.

That is the beauty – and importance – of BPD recovery stories. The loud statement that we absolutely can recover. All of the bulls*t stigma we are bombarded with in the face of diagnosis, or just living with BPD, is just that: stigma.

We know there’s a strong link between complex trauma and BPD diagnoses. If we can see this in ourselves without judgment, and start building a trauma-informed life, BPD is in no way a life sentence.

Yes, I am still an “emotional” person – but I know what to do with those beautiful emotions now, and how to separate myself from them. How to observe them and respond from a place of Wise Mind, as opposed to reacting in self-destructive ways. I am 500 days self-h*rm free, 29 months booze-free. And I don’t remember the last time I even felt an urge to hurt myself.

It has absolutely taken work. To validate yourself through the journey of recovery is one of the hardest parts. But if I can pass on one thing with my recovery stories, it’s this:

You are absolutely worth your recovery.

You don’t need to justify your recovery to anybody. Make it the priority of your life. Set boundaries. Know that if you are exhausted from years of complex trauma your body might need to rest and shutdown for a period of time.

Allow it. Don’t shame yourself. You will come out of the other side – and you will feel human again. You can experience happiness as a baseline in your life. It is absolutely possible and absolutely worth every painful challenge along the way.

Keep going.

BPD Recovery Stories: FAQs & Busting Myths 2024

First things first in our myth-busting finale, let’s be clear, you can absolutely “recover from” BPD. Yes, you may have a diagnosis, and it might not go away. You don’t need it to.

It’s not about being diagnosed. It’s about you, and how you feel. You deserve to recover. You deserve to heal. Don’t let anyone tell you that healing is not possible. F*ck that belief. Myself and many others are walking proof that we can heal and recovery is possible. 

After creating safety, healing trauma and the associated symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder becomes a lot easier. With whatever spark of hope that has led you to even think about recovery, you can find safety, support and learn the skills that you were never taught in order to heal. 

How does BPD work?

BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotional experiences, difficulty in maintaining stable relationships, and a pattern of impulsivity, however, it can present in many different ways to many different degrees of intensity, so to understand how it works for yourself or any loved one, compassion, conversation and awareness are going to be crucial.

BPD often arises from a history of complex trauma and is, in my humble opinion, a set of coping mechanisms developed simply to navigate ongoing challenges after complex trauma. In my experience, the BPD diagnosis provided me with a useful framework to understand and address these coping mechanisms, and get the support I needed to heal, but it doesn’t and won’t ever define my entire being.

Do borderlines ever fully recover?

Absolutely. While the diagnosis might not disappear, recovery from BPD is not only possible but can be a completely transformative journey. For me, recovery has been about understanding and working to heal and integrate the underlying trauma that fueled my BPD symptoms. 

It’s not about erasing the diagnosis; it’s about learning new skills, gaining support, and creating a life where I can manage my emotions in healthier ways. Recovery is an ongoing process, and each step forward is a victory.

Will I ever be normal with BPD?

The idea of “normal” is completely subjective, and focusing on it can be counterproductive. Seriously, rid that judgement from your mind. You are beautifully human, however emotionally regulated you are. At the same time, you can work to heal behaviours and patterns that are keeping you stuck in a destructive place, while maintaining this validation to the emotions underneath it all.

BPD recovery isn’t about conforming to someone else’s idea of normalcy; it’s about finding your own balance, safety and well-being. And also, your JOY. It’s out there, it’s in you, you can find it again. Through therapy, support systems, and learning effective coping mechanisms for when emotions are amplified, individuals with BPD can lead fulfilling lives. It’s about embracing your uniqueness and sensitivity, understanding your triggers and how to regulate yourself when they arise, and building a life worth living that aligns with your true values.

What is the mortality rate for borderline personality disorder?

While individuals with BPD may face higher rates of self-harm and suicidal behaviors, it’s crucial to emphasise that these statistics don’t determine one’s destiny. With proper treatment, distress tolerance skills, and a commitment to recovery, the risk (and urge, in my own experience) of self-harm can significantly decrease. Seeking help, building a safety net, and working on healing the underlying trauma are essential components in changing these statistics for the better.

My latest I Am Sober App check-in. We do recover.

Is it worth living with BPD?

Absolutely. Despite the challenges that come with BPD, or your current circumstances, believe me when I say that life is worth living. The journey of recovery has shown me that healing (beyond the point I ever thought possible for myself) is absolutely possible. And it’s also truly a personal testament to the strength that lies within each individual facing BPD.

You are not broken, just a bit lost right now. You deserve a life filled with joy, connection, and compassion. Don’t let anyone undermine your worth or potential for a fulfilling existence. Embrace the journey, seek the support you can, and remember that you are worth the effort it takes to heal and thrive.

You Might Like: The Little Guide To DBT Mindfulness Skills

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• 6 DBT Mindfulness Skill Graphics with easy-to-understand visual designs that help you remember them.
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• Personal insights from someone who truly had their life saved by DBT – and how I went from zero DBT skills to daily skills use.

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